The Unsayable

–– You better keep this one to yourself. It’s too risky to post this fic the way it is.

–– Would you not post it, after all the work, and after announcing it to the world?

–– If you really want to post it, you’ll have to rewrite it: you’ll have to water it down a bit, make the language more accessible, add more steam to it, even! Do you know that most dreamers don’t even watch the 3^rd season?!

–– I know that.

–– And you still want to post this fic the way it is?!

–– You’re suggesting self-censorship?

–– If you want to put it that way… If the story was otherwise perfect, you’d still have the language issue… nobody wants to read complex language anymore!

–– That’s a harsh generalization!…

–– Harsh but true. Do you think people who read in trains, buses and subways want to immerse themselves in complex language?! No! They want to have a little fun before they go to work, or come back home. It’s the state of readership these days. There's no fighting reality. And I’m not even gonna talk about the distraction that is a smartphone… All I’m saying is: if you're not willing to rewrite this story to make life easy for readers, then you should keep it out of the public eye.

I had this difficult conversation with a friend of mine regarding a Dreamer fic I'm writing. I was always in doubt whether it was suitable to be posted or not… But lately, I've been thinking about not posting this one after all… I don't like the idea of having to censor myself, to 'dumb a text down' for the readers. On the other hand, my unpopular opinions might do this fic more harm than good, and I would be exposing myself to ridicule, which is something I don't want. 

As it is, I wish there really was a Cemetery of Forgotten Books (or fics), so I could take my fic there for safe-keeping.  Otherwise, this excerpt is all I can show on this virtual desert.

     She nodded. They tried to get their breathing under control, trembling in each other’s arms for a long while. They drew deep, even breaths, gazing at each other. Their eyes mirrored an uncontrollable desire... a delightful vision! They just stood there, feeling it simmer… deeper and deeper… and after a time they couldn’t quantify, they felt each other’s heartbeats pounding slowly; the oxygen being pushed in and out of their lungs. The feeling soothed them, their eyes shone brighter, their skin felt warmer. 

     They were comfortably cradled in each other's arms, no longer trembling, when a series of flashes began to flow between them: Max saw her disappointment when he told her it wasn’t safe for them to be together as well as how deeply she loved him; Liz saw his strength and his determination hidden in his vulnerability when he got out of the white room, how much he just wanted to be with her for the rest of his life; Max saw how touched she was by his alcohol induced confession; Liz saw how exhilarated he was just playing pool and dancing with her on their first official date; Max saw how much the hug shared outside the hospital comforted Liz, how in that moment, despite her pain, she felt peace; Liz saw the mixture of surprise and deep longing that Max felt when he had that vision of them in Vegas; Max saw how amazed she had been after he let her see his soul by the fact that he loved her so deeply for so long; Liz saw how exhilarated he felt holding her hand at midnight service, how he had cherished that moment, even with everything that was happening between them; Max saw how liberated she felt from her emotional shackles when he took her flying through the desert sky, fulfilling one of her oldest dreams; Liz saw the heady combination of vulnerability and ecstasy when their Love took hold of them and they exchanged their first kiss; Max saw how thrilled Liz was from her visit to Madam Vivien, because her faith that their Love was going to have a happy ending had been completely restored; Liz saw his eagerness to help her get into the college of her dreams, even if it cost him their relationship; Max saw that behind the first smile that Liz blessed him with, there was a sharp relief of her own sense of loneliness; Liz saw how hard he fought Clayton in order to project the shield that saved her life one more time; Max saw her struggle with her fears when she was told that she was changed and her desperate yearning to put all that aside to help him when he was in New York; Liz saw Max’s desire to take a step forward in their relationship, undeniably sure that it was the right decision; Max saw the wave of elation that went through her when he said he would go with her to college; Liz saw how relieved and happy he was to have his arms around her and celebrate the New Year at the Crashdown, from where he had previously been banned… 

     After a multitude of moments, Liz pressed her cheek against his hand, reveling in his loving touch. An unfamiliar wave of awe and gratitude struck her, overwhelming her. The brightness emanating from Max’s eyes was only a minuscule fraction of the feelings that welled up in his heart. And its strength throbbed in him, clear, as if sprouted from her own soul! A pang of happiness flashed up into her heart. Her reaction wasn’t lost on Max. Her happiness was so alive in his own spirit that he felt her tears in his eyes. They cleared their throats in unison, enraptured by their discovery, focusing on it, with all their might. Max caressed her arms, enfolding her gently. She smiled and leaned into him, touching her forehead to his, loving the feel of his sweet breath stroking her face. He stood there, basking in the Love that shone radiantly in her eyes, mirroring his own feelings. 

     Without conscious thought, their breaths remained in sync. They smiled, as the majestic phenomenon of their distinctive fragrance blending together, as they inhaled and exhaled slower and deeper, became apparent to them. They saw the emotions in each other’s eyes emerging like clouds in the sky – the Love and respect for one another, their bare souls reflected in their vibrant gaze. 

     Max's hands were soft against her cheeks and Liz closed her eyes, enthralled by his sensual touch. She sighed and wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him closer, resting her head against his shoulders. 

     “I’ll never get tired of the way you feel,” she murmured against his ear. He cupped her face in his hands again and she met his gaze with a gleam in her eyes.

     “Me either,” he admitted with a smile. “I’ll never get tired of anything that comes from you!”

     Max was amazed by how palpable her ecstasy was to him, still, after a few minutes… Their most meaningful connections had always been so evanescent… but now… he held on this bond for dear life! He knew that she wanted it to last for as long as possible, just as much has he did, and it made him happy. He wished to thank her – thank her for loving him so ardently, thank her for holding on to their bond with such tenacity… 

     He tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. She pulled him closer – her lips tingling in heavenly foretaste of meeting his. Max felt it too, his lips hovered leisurely above hers, his hazel eyes smiling at her, calling her, enticing her. Regardless of how many times they had kissed before, there was no sweeter anticipation; it was like taking refuge in a tropical ocean surrounding a windy beach. 

     She let her eyes drift closed as he leaned over her and sucked in a sharp breath in surprise as he nibbled on her earlobe softly and nuzzled her neck. Then, he brushed his lips softly against her throat, with a mixture of reverence and thrill. 

     The subtle intensity made Liz pull his face back to hers, kissing him tenderly, and they were wrapped up in the loving exquisiteness of that sensual, perfect, surrendering kiss. Max moved his palms over her back in a slow caress, making her tremble. 

     Their bond’s ever growing influence stirred Max further, leading him to set an unequivocal path. He traveled slowly, planting gentle kisses along the curve of her jaw, her throat, her shoulder, letting his fingers trail the small of her back, pressing her closer to him, resting at the curve of her waist. 

     It marveled Liz that their bond kept expanding in soundness and sweetness to unfathomable depths! She took him in a loving embrace, wrapping herself around his strength, his sense of honor, his honesty, his devotion... wishing she could shed her mortal frame and meld with his energy completely!